I had dinner with Mike last night.
I asked him the million dollar question…..
Have you read my new blog?
I asked because I started the blog Not Everyone Needs a Shrink…..put the link out there…..and have heard nothing.
My family….who shares their opinions on a regular basis, solicited and otherwise….have remained mum. I haven’t even heard….it sucks….or it’s great…or, yea Becky, well….it’s ok.
So I asked Mike…because I knew he’d tell me the truth even if it brought tears to my eyes….and he did. Of course he pussy footed around at first…telling me how he noticed I like the F word…and the new blog is cutting in nature….I think he meant edgier.
But….he said he missed the old blog…the one where I routinely share my heart and soul…and overall craziness of my life and family.
So I explained…..this blog, the Coincidence Experiment…is my year-long journal…where I am free to sound as friggin nuts as I want to. The other one Not Everyone Needs a Shrink…is still personal…it is about my mid-life journey, is written for a broader audience.
Listen to me……I am sounding a little egotistical….in assuming there is an audience out there who would be remotely interesting in what I, crazy mixed up Becky, would have to say.
Let’s put that aside, shall we?
So I will continue to write in both.
On to more interesting things…..
You may remember a while back me talking about Mike’s on and off, mostly off….relationship with a woman (who’s name we no longer utter between us)
This time they are off….or are they?
She broke up with him….for the 9th time….a few weeks ago. Last night he told me he is spending Saturday with her, fulfilling some plans they had made before the big shake up.
Ok….I don’t get it. He knows I don’t get it…..and my sarcastic remarks about his relationship with her is starting to create a wedge between he and I.
No problem, you say…..the solution is….I should learn to keep my mouth shut…..believe me, I’m trying.
I have no idea why I feel the way I do about all of this. Mike and I long ago came to the conclusion things would never work out on “that level” for us. I should be happy for him….instead I have morphed into this snide bitch.
Ok….maybe a more appropriate word is….jealous.
I’m not jealous of anyone that Mike might find and settle down with….I want that for him. I think the thorn under my skin is…..I am jealous of the fact he is doing so much stuff…..with other people. He is doing exactly what I should be doing.
Living….
For the past couple of years, I have been in self-imposed relationship solitude. I have focused my time and energy on my family…allowing my external connections to dwindle down to one…..Mike….and that my friends is not the answer….because when Mike is unattached, that little scenario works…but when he’s dating….well…it makes me nuts.
It makes him nuts too…..because poor Mike…feels like he has to make two women happy….a lose, lose situation. I hadn’t realized how emotionally dependant on him, I had become.
Until last night…..when I put my foot in my mouth….again….and he made a comment about how he just can’t win.
I’ve been writing a lot in this blog about how I want to change my perspective on things….live my life….explore….and while I have…..I still have far to go. With that said….I have made a decision….I will take down a few blocks of the wall I have around me, venture out, make new friends….and actually start to date again.
Ok….let’s not rush things here….maybe I’ll consider dating again….
BM
Posted by Mike on August 1, 2010 at 4:58 pm
… so now when I DO spend time with “the woman who shall not be named,”, I feel guilty.
And yet… why should I know what I want any more than anyone else? And why shouldn’t I pursue whatever wisp is out there, rather than doing my usual wallowing?
We had a lovely weekend, and I’m sure that by tomorrow she’ll be gone again, forever, or for some indeterminate duration.
I love ya, B… and that makes it all the harder still… and I alternate between wonderful and dismal, with this razor-edge dynamic between you and “the other woman.”
I just dunno anymore… good and bad seem to be inextricably linked these days.
So.
I still loveya.
Posted by coincidenceexperiment on August 1, 2010 at 5:44 pm
My dearest Mike…..you don’t need to feel guilty. I have no issues with you dating….I want you to be happy…and it has taken me some time to come to terms with it, but I do understand why you keep trying with her.
Through all of this, I realized I do need to “put myself out there” and start livin a little….I’m OK….we are OK…more than OK are a matter of fact.
I will always love you, and want the very best for you…and it’s hard sometimes when I think you deserve so much more.
I will always be there for you, rain or shine….just like the postman LOL.
I am glad you had a good weekend with her…and yes by tomorrow she may be gone again,….but maybe she won’t…I hope it’s the latter….in any event, at least you tried. I admire that.
Love ya,
B